Eight Ways of Missing You















I.
I think you miss the walking.
The flash of a bright orange safety coat
Your hair against the wind
Blowing in your face
And having to shake it out of your view
And then I think you would remember
The times when that wasn’t an issue
And hair did not rest on top of your head
I think you would frown at that
Because a solution to that problem
Brought on so many other devastations.

II.
I think you miss the cooking.
The potatoes you put into a boiling pot
Filled with chicken and oily sauce
And then you would remember your desserts
How you stacked ice cream sandwiches
Only to then cover them in whipped cream and sprinkles 
And you even let us join you in the creation of this art
I would lean over, wearing nothing but a tie-died oversized t-shirt
And you would hold the stool that I stood on.

III.
I think you miss the shopping.
You would travel the aisles of the discount shop
Searching for something that you thought useful and fun
Most of the time it was junk
We would throw it out a few weeks later
But I remember the last time you came
The final gift you gave us was a blanket
I think it was so that it could embrace us
When you would no longer be able to.

IV.
I think you miss the traveling.
You would visit us a few states over
You would drive all day
To visit your grandchildren
And then you would go back a day later
But at least you came
And at least you loved us
You cherished the moments we had together
We didn’t.
I wish we had.

V.
I think you miss the calls.
You would call
We would groan
Our mom would pass us the phone
We would pout and try to run away
Because towards the end your words didn’t make much sense
And it felt like a waste of time
But with all the excuses in the world to not call
You called.

VI.
I think you miss him.
He might miss you too
But, I’m not sure
He has married again
He has another family now
And while he is happy
He has forgotten about the others
Us.
Me.

VII.
But above all
I think you miss being alive
I think it tortures you to not be human anymore
How do you get used to that?
I cannot imagine the pain of seeing what you once were
And now, what you will never be.

VIII.
And now I sit wondering
If it’s you that misses all these things
If it’s you who is in pain
Or,
If it’s me.

Comments

  1. Rachel LieblingMarch 5, 2020 at 9:27 AM

    Woh, the ending is so powerful, Rachel. Nice with the "I think you miss" anaphora - it connects each of the eight stanzas. Maybe you could put more of the imagery like you've got in stanza two. For ex, in stanza four, you could describe the drive with the number of house the grandmother is in the car...maybe rummaging for a map or gum or sunglasses inside the cup holder or something.
    That said though, some of the descriptions you have are so poignant and well done- like
    "The final gift you gave us was a blanket
    I think it was so that it could embrace us
    When you would no longer be able to"

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  2. Professor MillerMarch 7, 2020 at 7:00 PM

    So this poem gives us a lot to work with, and there are a lot of strong aspects to it. The ending is powerful and section VII is particularly strong. I agree with Rachel that the anaphora is effective, and I would like to see more use of musical devices like that. The language is clear and seems honest and organic to the speaker. Also, some of these sections, like II, contain vivid imagery that appeals to multiple senses. These are all compelling aspects of a poems that I think is on its way to being a real keeper.

    In terms of improvement, the thing that stands out is that a lot of this, especially some of the middle sections is flat and prosey. Some of it reads like prose with line breaks added, which is less than idea. The best parts of this poem are poetry and the lesser parts lack the lift of these strong parts.

    To improve, I recommend compressing the weaker sections and adding more musical and imagistic language. Some things that are flat in this poem can be cut, because they are already implied. For example, you wrote

    Most of the time it was junk
    We would throw it out a few weeks later

    But if you changed it to the following, the meaning would still be clear, but it would be more compact , as in poetry, rather than prose:

    Most of the time we would throw it out a few weeks later

    In terms of adding descriptive imagery, this means taking advantage of missed opportunities. For example, this part presents an opporuntity for imagery portraying the drive being described

    You would drive all day
    past [add images]
    To visit your grandchildren
    who would wait for you in the driveway waving their hands.

    Then I would cut the weaker lines that use common language. For example, I would replace this "And at least you loved us" with something that shows the love.

    Anyway, it's great you have a lot to work with. It's always easier that way. The structure of this poem is working well. I just want to see to flatter parts rendered with some of poetry's tools.

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  3. Rachel PollackMarch 7, 2020 at 9:33 PM

    I knew something was bothering me about this but I couldn't figure it out! Something just felt flat and now I see why...I'm going to work on this a lot to give it more of a lyrical flow.

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