The Tree
There’s something about the tree in the window
About the way it looks during the winter
When flakes of snow gently drape its branches
And how unbearably bare it becomes
When the wind is bitter and sharp
Forcing it still and silent
And how it is when the rain
Gives the tree what is desires
And the sun streams down its rays
To be soaked up into its core
And the tree sways calmly to the sound of the wind
And how bittersweet it is when its leaves drop
And the air smells of dampened earth
And the clouds expel their withering breath,
The scent of pine and musky dreams
And the tree dances as the wind screams
I love this poem!
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I thought you did a beautiful job with this poem. The image of the tree throughout lends a nice flow to the piece, making for a clear and enjoyable read. Two minor things I’d change: In the first stanza, I’d say the word “drape” doesn’t really work in the context of individual snowflakes on the tree. Also the phrase “everlasting core” doesn’t quite fit, as the intended subject of the phrase, the tree, will eventually die.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny you said that about "everlasting core" because I edited it out awhile ago but forget to update it on here! I agree with you.
DeleteI love your writing style; it sounds like you're talking directly to me, and I find that personalization effective and meaningful. "unbearably bare ": This coupling of words is my favorite in the poem. It's clever without sounding forced.
ReplyDeleteI read your poem as the tree being a passive participant in life, as all these external forces bombarded it, all the tree can do is stand there and take the hits.
Thank you! So you are kind of right about what I was trying to say but I meant it in a positive way. Really I am showing how a tree goes through all of this and doesn't get knocked down and kind of how I am envious of that passivity and stubbornness. Meaning, when life is difficult and something negative happens, I wish I could simply sway instead of falling down.
DeleteI was trying to think of a way to better pave the way for that last line, so it that it seems a natural evolution of what is happening. What about this?
DeleteAnd how bittersweet when its leaves drop
and the air quickens over dampened earth
The clouds expel their withering breath
the scent of pine and musky dreams
And the tree dances as the wind screams
Yes, this poem has a naturalness and ease and grace of movement that makes it attractive and pleasant to read. It doesn't feel forced at all (except for the last line). It's a lovely poem, and I am excited to continue reading your work and seeing how you develop.
ReplyDeleteHere are a couple suggestions for improvement. Since this poems itself is already beautiful and its images are beautiful, I don't think you need to label them as beautiful. As I see it beauty should always be demonstrated and seldom claimed literally in a poem, and I think if you imply omit the word, these lines are better:
"And how it is when the rain
Gives the tree what is desires"
Removing the abstraction actually makes the lines and the image more beautiful.
As for the last line, while I can see why ending on a rhyme is musically attractive, this one feels forced to me. This poem presents such a tranquil and peaceful scene. Then suddenly the wind is screaming. That doesn't fit. I think the word "scream" is only there to complete the rhyme. Nothing else in the poem indicates that a scream will or should be coming, and it's a sudden and unexplained shift. The word feels out of place in this lovely and tranquil poem.