The Loveliest and Saddest Landscape
Look out and see the sanded-colored infinity
The bitterness of beyond
And see how the ground ridges
Simply from the blow of the wind
And how your eyes water
From the arid breeze
And how your skin prickles with
beads of sweat
And how you try to wet your cracked
lips
And how your mouth is too dry
And how your head aches from
The desperate need for nourishment-
Notice how your mind begins to feel
Weighted from the desolation
And the subtle pain of what it
would be like
To be so barren
So void of life-
And then look up and see
Not a sky rich with color
Not a sky spotted in clouds
But a projection of loneliness
A mirroring of lovely sadness
Because when you look up
The only thing you see is a lone
star
A star so yellow it mimics the sun
A star that makes little sense
Because it doesn’t belong
Because it is perfect
So untouched
So whole-
And then think about
How you do not need to imagine
What it would be like to be this land
To be this empty
Because that is what you are
And that is all you see.
And that is all you see.
Note: This poem came about while trying to write about a
landscape (because I’m terrible at showing and I need to work on that) and the
only thing I could think about was that page in The Little Prince that
illustrated a picture of the loveliest and saddest landscape. I redrew the picture for you to see what it looks like but look it up if you get the chance...and also, read the book.
This poem was a raw and touching read for me. Beautifully done. Your use of anaphora in the first stanza effectively expresses that rushed and desperate feeling which the speaker seems to be experiencing as a result of loneliness. You did a great job relaying that feeling of desolation and abandonment which permeates the piece, through the powerful images which you were able to create. I particularly loved the line "A star so yellow it mimics the sun." The only thing I'd recommend is a few word changes in the first stanza. For example, I'd tweak phrases such as "how the ground ridges" and I'd put "sandy-colored infinity" instead of "sanded-colored infinity." Additionally, in the first stanza, I'd work on showing rather than telling the readers about the speaker's thirst and desperation. This first stanza sets the groundwork for the rest of the piece, so it's crucial that you establish that powerful image of loneliness and haplessness that is developed throughout the piece. All in all, you did an amazing job.
ReplyDeleteThe wordsmith has done it again! There is something just so simply pure and beautiful about your poems and I look forward to every time you post a new one. In this poem, I especially love the lines "The bitterness of beyond" and "But a projection of loneliness / A mirroring of lovely sadness" for the feelings they evoke within the reader. The feelings of the great, deep barrenness the narrator feels is palpable through your descriptive language. I also really all of your line breaks. The short lines get straight to the point but also propell the reader forward, seeking to learn more.
ReplyDeleteA minor tweak in stanza one where you write "And how your mouth is too dry
/ And how your head aches from", maybe describe what the mouth feels like to be so dry, and what the aching head feels like, to impart a richer sense of feeling, especially since the rest of your poem deals with description and language so powerfully.
I really like how your poems continue to develop too. The opening of this poem reminds me of a poem by Wallace Stevens that begins "Look in the terrible mirror of the sky." Beginning with a command like that can be really arresting, and you do a great job with it.
ReplyDeleteI love the anaphora, love the descriptive passages, and the confidence of the speaking voice. The poem keeps me engaged.
My suggestion is to cut about half of the abstractions. For example, I think either line two or line three but not necessarily both. I would cut the line that mentions heat because you are already showing it so well in the lines that follow.
To me, the poem seems to have two endings. I personally find the last two lines a bit heavy handed. I am a big fan of understatement and leaving endings more open and in the hands of the reader. But you already have such an excellent ending without the "second ending," so to speak, which seems there make sure the reader gets it. What about ending the following. Just a thought!
Because that is what you are
and that is all you see.
The Stevens poem I mentioned can be found here if you want to check it out: http://web.mit.edu/cordelia/www/Poems/blanche_mccarthy.html
I agree about the two endings and think ending it how you did would be far more effective and would also tie back to the very first line when I write "look out and see." Yeah, that would be really cool! Thanks!
DeleteAs soon as I saw the picture, I thought "little prince". I loved that book, and I think your poem is great! What a creative idea, to compare that landscape to the speaker's frame of mind (if I understood it correctly). It is very evocative. I would maybe change "sanded-colored" to just sand-colored". Otherwise, I don't even know what else I would want different.
ReplyDelete