Chronic State of Mind
Life has become a burden that I cannot take
drip drip as the pain slips away
I do not dare dream in fear I may wake
These faded lines remind me that I ache
survive survive there is so much more to say
Life has become a burden that I cannot take
A rest, eyes shut, a small bitter break
dancing dancing around the endless decay
I do not dare dream in fear that I may wake
The feelings collect to construct a lake
mending mending as though I am clay
Life has become a burden that I cannot take
An artist with passion but nothing to make
holding holding for I have been led astray
I do not dare dream in fear that I may wake
My fragile self has begun to break
continue continue they need you to stay
Life has become a burden that I cannot take
I do not dare dream in fear that I may wake
I do not dare dream in fear that I may wake
I like this poem. Maybe it's because of the excellent line, "I do not dare dream in fear that I may wake", implying that the dream would conjure up such a wonderful reality that waking would shatter it. Maybe it's because it is a villanelle, and I often enjoy such precise, structured poetry. Here's the thing: were you trying to write in meter? I assumed, from lines like "these faded lines remind me that I ache", that your intention was to write in iambic pentameter. But that meter is broken (intentionally?) many times. For instance, to keep the rhythm of the meter, you'd have to take out "much" in the following line that begins with the words "survive, survive". I'm not saying you should do exactly that, but maybe manipulate the words a bit to preserve the pulse of the meter. Or remove the meter altogether, if that's even a thing in a villanelle. Anyhow, the message is powerful, and especially driven in with the refrain.
ReplyDeleteThanks! I wasn't writing in meter on purpose
DeleteRachel, this was a really moving poem. I thought your word choice for the end rhymes was effective, especially in relaying the message of the poem. The use of repetition in each stanza (“drip drip” and “survive survive,” etc.) creates a sense of urgency and lends a certain flow to the poem. I also noticed that the speaker’s desperation was clearly expressed through the rapid pace of the poem, and again emphasized by the opening line of the last stanza: “My fragile self has begun to break.” My only recommendation: I agree with Malka that writing this poem in meter could perhaps strengthen it. You already seem to have a few lines written in a set, metrical pattern. Tweaking the others could make for a more musical feel to the piece, if that’s what you’d like.
ReplyDeleteI love this poem. The opening verse, (which also serves as one of the refanes) right off the bat, conveys to the reader what the poem is about: "Life has become a burden that I cannot take." That power is striking. The second refrain is equally as beautiful and evocative of the speaker's desperation and pain. I especially love the line "An artist with passion but nothing to make" because without needing to state explicitly, it demonstrates how the narrator's state is affecting her. Your poem also has a beautiful sense of flow; something I believe mine is lacking!
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